Jack Johnson, sitting, waiting, wishing.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Hello, listeners, welcome.
We're with you for the next, uh, two hours, one hour and fifty-five minutes.
We've got great music, prizes, competitions, and a terrible twist to the last half hour of the show, cos Adam is saying he's gotta go to a christening, right, Adam?
My godson is being christened.
Oh, my godson.
Oh, my godson.
Oh, my godson.
Uh, is being christened at-at two-thirty?
No, at three o'clock, so- So you've gotta leave at two-thirty?
Yeah.
That's your story, right?
That's my story.
The truth is... What is the truth?
I'm going out to the pub and I'm meeting Santa.
I don't believe that.
Do you not?
I think I know the real truth.
What is the truth?
You are Santa.
You killed him, like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause.
Shut up, man.
Shut up.
He was delivering presents to your house.
He slipped and fell off the roof.
And now, thanks to The Santa Clause, you have to become Santa.
Yeah, all right.
Is that right?
Yes, that's what happened.
Do the noise.
There you go, the Tim Allen noise.
Do it again.
I rest my case.
You are Tim Allen.
You are Santa.
Damn, that's Santa Claus.
So there we go.
So Adam will be leaving at 2.30 and we don't really know what we're going to do about Ditties in the Dock.
Yeah, we do.
We're going to have an epic playoff.
Okay.
Yeah.
You know, like, songs that are really slightly too long to play on the radio usually.
Right.
Uh, things like Stairway to Heaven and Bohemian Rhapsody, that kind of thing.
And you've chosen one already?
I've chosen one already.
I won't tell you what it is yet.
Okay, so here's our first task for the listeners.
Listeners, help me, Joe Cornish, uh, pick a song that will beat Adam Buxton in an epic ditties playoff.
Yeah.
So, what's the definition again?
Long songs?
Well, they don't necessarily have to be long, but something, you know, something that- Something in epic quality.
an epic quality.
Paranoid Android by Radiohead, uh, Stairway to Heaven... Ricky Can we define it any more other than epic quality and length?
A sort of operatic nature to it.
Steve Yeah, possibly.
Doesn't have to be operatic, but just something that probably is gonna be a little bit long.
Help me, listeners.
Text 83XFM.
If I choose your choice, we'll give you a prize.
We need something to beat your record and beat Adam's record.
Any clues as to what you've chosen?
I've chosen a track by a band who had a film made about them with a dreadful, annoying actor playing the lead.
I think I know what that could be.
So please help me text 83XFM or email or even call 0871-222-1049 if you've got an idea for a song that could beat Adam.
It's got to be the ultimate epic, really, an unbeatable epic rock song.
Something we might have here at XFM as well.
I think we've got a few lined up.
So, no requests for Trapped in the Closet by R. Kelly.
That is the most epic song ever recorded, of course.
Yeah.
If you strung it all together, how long would it be?
Ricky and Steve laugh Steve laughs
Really?
Yeah, so if you're listening with a child, so what constitutes a child these days, Your Honour?
Someone under 18?
Someone under, um... 16.
I think it's gotta be under 16.
Under 16's, alright.
So under 16's only entering movie lingo bingo.
So you have to sound a bit childish, otherwise... Yeah.
...you won't be able to get through.
That's right, children or people who sound very childish.
Yeah.
Yeah, like Nancy, what's her name, who does Bart Simpson's voice.
She could enter.
Yes, Nancy Cartwright.
Yeah.
Any woman employed, uh, voicing a child on a cartoon.
Hey, did you see the comedy awards?
Did you see, um... Yes.
What's his name?
Uh, maybe not.
I can never remember his name.
The guy that plays Homer Simpson.
Dan Castanel... Castaneletta.
Castanella.
Castanetatella.
Castanella.
No, I didn't.
What did he say?
What did he do?
He did a funny speech.
It was really funny.
I wish I should have recorded it.
Shall we play a record and talk about it?
Because we don't want to overload the listeners with stuff.
No, no.
We've already requested help with ditties and kids to enter movie lingo bingo.
Okay, let's play some music and then we can chat more.
Okay.
Here's Sigur Rós.
That's Sigur Rós.
Whenever you talk about Sigur Rós, if you're a journalist and you're writing an article, you've always got to use the word glacial.
Every time anybody writes about them, they're always described as glacial, because they're from... Iceland?
And they've got glaciers.
Yeah.
And they've got slidey strings and stuff, but they're pretty good.
Their videos are incredible.
Hoppy Polar, that one was called.
That track we just played.
I don't think I've ever seen one of their videos.
They've got an amazing video, a sort of Pied Piper video, with a sort of drummer boy and all these kids climbing across weird rocks.
and like lemmings they proceed towards a cliff edge and the music builds and builds and builds and you think they're all going to fall off the cliff but they don't they fly oh they fly through the air like peter pan children goodness i was worried for it when you were talking they were going to die it's glacial glacial
There we go, this is Adam and Joel on XFM London's 104.9.
How come you missed the comedy awards, man?
I didn't, I sky-plussed it, but I only watched Jonathan Ross' monologue with some terribly risque jokes.
They always are!
Yeah, and then I switched off, cos, um, I've seen enough of Ricky Gervais winning awards.
Was he winning any or was he giving them away?
Um, he didn't win as many as people thought he was going to.
Yeah, I just know what that looks like now.
Yeah.
Amanda, we literally beat him with, uh, The Thick of It.
The Thick of It won over extras.
Oh, well done, Thick of It.
Yeah, fantastic.
And, uh, Festival was the surprise movie win.
No!
Yeah.
Wow.
It was the film with the unsexiest sex scenes ever filmed.
I haven't seen it yet.
Mmm.
I'm just, I'm really keen to see it.
It'll make you celibate.
Okay, good.
I need to be, I need to become celibate.
Um, and, uh, let's see, how, how was the rest of your week?
Me, personally.
Fine, thanks, Ed.
Good.
Yeah, it went very well, indeed.
Um, I watched Space Cadets last night.
I don't know if anybody out there watched Space Cadets as well.
Oh, yeah.
So, what, the conclusion?
The conclusion to the grand reality TV experiment.
Right.
And I don't know what people out there think, but I still can't work out whether it's really cruel and horrible or whether it was just harmless fun.
I saw Johnny Vaughan, um, trying to convince them that they had experienced something wonderful.
Yeah.
Uh, with the logic that- A laugh.
It's a laugh.
It's a laugh, but he was trying to say to them,
You know, you've had an experience that I'll never have, because you genuinely believed that you were looking at the Earth from space.
And even if it turned out to be a lie, that moment when you really believed it must have been amazing, and I'll never have that.
You know, that's the third thing we can ask our listeners.
We've already got them helping me with ditties.
We're gathering up kids to enter movie lingo, bingo.
But also, do you think Space Cadets was wrong?
do you think it was it there was some fundamentally evil because i tell you what my girlfriend who's obviously lovely uh can't watch it because she feels too bad she feels it's essentially cruel and just nasty to make people think they're in space she swears at charlie skelton she swears at vaughn yeah and then whenever uh little what's his name is he called paul or billy blow the torch like that i've never been on such a nutty space base thing in my life
He said last night.
What's he called?
He's either Paul or Billy.
I think he's called Billy.
Is he an actor or a real contestant?
No, I think he's called Paul.
No, he's a real contestant.
And he's the sweetest man like this.
He looks a bit like Richard Bacon, with a slightly chubbier face.
And, uh, I've lost my train of thought now, cos I've gone slightly, um, hyperventilating doing that voice.
But he was having a lovely time.
Oh, he's so sweet.
And no, my girlfriend, she loves him.
She thinks he's the cleverest guy in the world.
And you know what?
I think she's right.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
I've concluded she's right.
Because there was an atmosphere of shame last night.
Everyone was trying to, you know, to use that appalling phrase, big it up and, uh, approach the thing with some bravado and excitement.
But there was a general stinky atmosphere of, I'd rather not be here.
Steve laughs.
Well, that's right.
I also, uh... Just let the man on the ship run away and hide.
I also saw Johnny Vaughn trying to conjure some enthusiasm by saying, come on, remember the money!
And they all went, yay!
That's right.
In fact, look, I made a note of what they said.
Uh, Billy, who was taking it all very, very seriously, he was kind of a sort of good-looking Tom Cruise type, and he was very sincere.
He was writing poems about the planet Earth and stuff.
When the hoax was revealed, he said, Ah, this is embarrassing.
We've been bummed.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
I thought that's a good way of putting it.
You have been bummed.
Yeah.
You have been bummed.
On national telly.
Kerry, who's a sweet sort of- just a very, very sweet, uh, woman, went, Oh, this is heartbreaking.
Oh, this is horrible.
So, she was just- she genuinely wanted to be an astronaut, so she- she- her heart snapped.
Oh no.
For the pleasure of millions.
And then- and then Billy or Paul are like, where his name is, that bloke?
Uh, he is gonna, I think, be the most robust out of all of them.
He's gonna be fine, because his reaction was, while the other two were getting very depressed, his reaction was, come on guys, just face the music and smile.
Face the music, smile.
How's my hair looking?
He's a star.
He's a star.
That, that, nothing beats positivity.
Yeah, there you go.
Do you know what I mean?
All you have to say is smile, be bright, let it be water off a duck's back, and no one can get you.
Yep.
Brilliant.
But yeah, what do you think, listeners?
Was Space Cadets cruel, essentially, or did you just enjoy laughing at other people's misfortune?
I did both, and I feel dirty.
It's not total misfortune, though, is it?
Because they have made some money and they've been on television.
They've made 25 grand, but they will be mocked as idiots in the street forever.
No, surely not.
Do you think?
Johnny Vaughan at the end said, if you meet these people in the street, salute them as the heroes they are.
Yeah, that's... And that was just, uh, you know, to limit the collateral damage from people shouting,
Biscuit!
Whatever they're gonna shout in the street.
Loser!
Luna loser!
Anyway... Here are the crisis chiefs.
Oh, me ears.
Uh, band of the year, surely.
Don't you reckon, Joe?
Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
The Chiefs.
The Chiefs.
The Kaisers.
With Oh My God.
Now, we have got Movie Lingo Bingo coming up very shortly, and we're trying to get, um, children to take part in it this week.
Yes.
We're gonna do it live.
Uh, we're just gonna get the contestant on, and then play the clip, cos it's that easy.
Right.
Yeah, I think.
Yeah.
I'll probably be very wrong and it'll be difficult.
We've got some good prizes to give away.
Basically, I think we're gonna put the youngest person that calls in on.
I think that's the way we should do it.
Right.
They should have a parent accompanying them, though.
Because if they're very young, they might not be able to speak.
Oh, yes.
No, you should probably get permission to call or whatever they say on kids' TV shows.
Ask parents' permission.
Uh, before you call.
And Lila, our producer, will answer the phone and she'll talk to you in a quite patronizing way.
But the prizes are, um, what is this?
Operation?
Yeah, just the game Operation.
Ricky and Steve chuckle.
Everyone knows that.
It's a big game.
It's a massive game.
It's fantastic, and it goes buzz when you touch people's intestinal walls.
And, uh, Subuteo, Dream Team Stadium.
Maybe not perfect for a girl, uh, but maybe that's a sexist attitude.
Well- Maybe girls these days like Subuteo.
Girls these days, you know, there's no telling.
But you know what, it's the Dream Team Stadium, and listen to that.
It rattles.
It's heavy.
It's got stuff in it.
So that's two, uh, massive board games worth at least, what would you say, £100 each?
Steve and Ricky talk over each other.
the Adam and Jo show.
And I tell you what, we'll throw in Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence, uh, starring Tom Conti, Ruichi Sakamoto and Jack Thompson because kids love Japanese prison camps.
And David Bowie.
And David Bowie.
There's nothing the under-fifteens like more than Japanese prison camps.
Paper line for Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence?
Ah, what a funny face.
Beautiful eyes, though.
Yeah.
Yeah, that one.
Okay, let's take a break, we'll play some music and then we'll come back with movie lingo bingo.
The number?
0871 222 1049.
If you're a child, you want to win that stuff.
0871 222 1049.
We'll be back very soon.
Love music.
Love XFM.
Yeah, yeah, that's the killers that somebody told me.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM.
It's time to play Movie Lingo Bingo.
Have we got a competition type jingle?
Competition time.
You could win a DVD or tickets to a show.
You just never know, so sharpen up your brain and get ready to play!
Yeah, if that hasn't made you ready for a competition, then you're normal.
Um, Movie Lingo Bingo is the competition where we play you a clip from the foreign soundtrack of a famous film, right?
Yeah, you know on a DVD you can select what language you listen to it in, and it's amazing that they have all those translations of all your favourite films just sat there on DVDs with all different people doing all all voices.
Yeah.
Yes, it's true.
And, uh, so we've harnessed that useless, uh, you know, um, feature.
Feature, thanks, man.
On a DVD and made this brilliant competition.
But it's so easy this week.
Uh, this is just for the kids.
Yeah.
For the under 16's.
We've already had a lot of calls.
If you've called already, don't worry, we may well be calling you back.
If you haven't called yet and want to call, 0871-222-1049.
We've got fantastic, uh, board games to give away, right?
Well, I think, I think we probably have all the callers we need, don't we?
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't think- we're not taking any more callers for the competition right now.
Really?
Yeah.
You sound very authoritative.
I'm- I'm on top of- Have I got it wrong?
Everything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Lila says no more callers for the competition.
No more callers.
Alright, so instead we're gonna play the clip.
Uh, we're gonna play the clip.
Yeah.
Play the clip, play a bit of music and then you go back to the phone.
Yeah.
So this- this- this is the clip.
This is a very, very old French man who's in- having some health problems.
What is this comedy?
Phone, home.
My God, he's talking.
Home.
Phone, home.
Come back.
That is one very ill French organic farmer.
It's Jean de Florez.
No, it's not.
Oh.
Good guess, though.
Uh... So, there we go.
We're gonna be going to the phones in a second.
Some confusion over whether we have the callers on the line already or whether we need new callers.
Lila, we don't need new callers, do we?
Do we?
Speak, woman.
No, we don't.
No, we've got three children already.
We've got three kids already.
Fantastic.
So, right after this record, we'll be going to them and, oh, this is gonna be brilliant, giving away prizes.
First of all, here is a track, a free play.
This is Thomas Dolby.
And I just noticed this week that Supertramp are advertising their greatest hits album, and it's called Retrospectical, which is the same as Thomas Dolby's hits album, but he came up with it first.
Shocking.
That's not allowed, is it?
No.
That's disrespectical.
Anyway, here's Thomas.
Yes, uh, that's Thomas Dolby, who was a scientist from the 80s who went into music.
A scientific genius.
Yeah, with, uh, she blinded me with science.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, now, it's, uh, movie lingo bingo time, our competition this afternoon on XFM, and we're restricting all the entrants to, uh, ages 16 or under this week.
Correct.
So we, so this is gonna be semi-chaotic.
For two reasons.
One, because it's Christmas and Christmas is a time for kids.
Exactly.
And also because it's very easy.
Extremely easy, so... But maybe not so easy for the young'uns.
We'll find out.
Uh, Eleanor, are you there?
Yeah.
How you doing, Eleanor?
I'm fine.
How old are you?
Nine.
Nine.
Nine.
Nine.
Are you a Christmas fan or do you find it a tedious time of year?
I'm a Christmas fan.
Good.
So am I. I love Christmas.
Are you a movie fan?
Eleanor, sorry.
Yeah, but I don't watch that many movies.
Really?
What's your favourite movie, would you say?
Um... I don't really know.
Mean girls, maybe mean girls.
Mean girls?
Yes, I was nine.
I'd love mean girls.
Those girls are so mean.
I haven't seen mean girls.
Have you seen it, Eleanor?
Pardon?
Have you seen mean girls?
No.
Oh dear, this isn't going very well.
It's my fault.
Have you seen Narnia?
Uh, no, not yet.
Well, don't bother.
Um, okay, Eleanor, I'm gonna play you that clip again.
And what I want you to do... Do you speak any French, by any chance?
No.
Are they not teaching you French at school?
No, but my friend does.
Really?
Where do you go to school, Eleanor?
Kilbury.
And they don't teach you French?
No.
Do you do any languages?
Um, well, they teach me Italian.
Oh, that's good.
Italian.
They probably teach you street as well, don't they?
At schools these days.
Wagwan and that sort of thing.
Tick-me-and-Oz.
That kind of stuff.
Hello?
It's okay, Eleanor.
I don't know what he's talking about either.
Um, I'm going to play you the clip right now, Eleanor, just to refresh your memory and see if you think... see if you think who knows... Adam's laughing at Tick-me-and-Oz in the other studio.
See if you think you know who's talking.
I can't speak.
I'll just play you the clip.
Do you recognize that voice?
Who do you think that might be?
I think it's like something kind of creepy.
Something scary.
A scary film.
What film do you think it could be?
The Nightmare Before Christmas.
That's a good guess.
Very good guess.
C'est une très bonne guess.
That's French for guess.
But you know what, Eleanor, it's wrong.
But, because it's Christmas, we're going to give you your choice of board game anyway.
Do you want Guess Who?
The Flip and Find Face Game?
I love that game.
That's a good game, Guess Who?
I'd go for Guess Who.
Do you want Monopoly?
and property trading.
Oh, poor guy.
Oh, poor guy.
Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
Hey, Jake.
Hello.
How are you?
Good.
Are you having a nice weekend?
Yes.
Now, Jake, how old are you?
Seven.
Seven.
Fantastic.
Hey, Jake, you've got your radio on in the background.
I've always wanted to say this.
Can you get your mum, Pauline, to turn the radio down in the background, because it echoes and it's like we're on a long-distance telephone call.
Yeah, it's done now.
Hey!
Thank you very much.
Sorry.
So, Jake, what are you hoping to get for Christmas?
Erm... Pokemon Emerald.
Pokemon Emerald?
What's that?
Yeah.
Is that an N64 game?
Erm... no.
No?
Oh dear, what is it?
Uh, game by game.
A game by game.
That would be great.
Is Pokemon still good currency on the street?
Oh, yeah.
Really?
Everyone plays Pokemon, don't they, Jake?
Yep.
Yeah.
What about Yu-Gi-Oh?
Yu-Gi-Oh?
Yeah, I love Yu-Gi-Oh.
Yeah, which is better, Yu-Gi-Oh or Pokemon?
Pokemon!
Oh, yeah, definitely.
That's stupid of me.
Jake, are Beyblades still good news?
No.
No?
But they were all the rage like about, was it one year ago or two years ago?
They slice your eyes open.
And so do those fairies whose wings slice your eyes open.
Kids are cleverer than that.
Do you know what Joe's talking about, Jake?
No.
Good, good.
Just checking.
Neither do I. Now listen, did you hear that clip before that we played with the weird voice?
Is that Pauline saying that you didn't?
We'll play you a little bit of it, Jake.
Are you listening, Jake?
Yep.
Here we go.
Have a listen to this.
What film do you think this is, in French?
What could that mean?
Do you know what that means, Jake?
Erm, no.
OK, Jake, listen.
Let me give you a guess.
Say that it's Un Chien Andalou.
That's a ludicrous guess.
He's never going to say that.
Jake, what's your favourite film?
My favourite film is Star Wars.
Yes, very good.
Star Wars?
Isn't that quite scary?
No.
Really?
Scary for you, Adam Buxton.
What about, have you seen The Empire Strikes Back?
Yep.
That is scary, come on.
I tried to show that to my son, he freaked out.
I did not freak out.
Well, you're a bit older than my son, and probably a great deal more mature, Jake.
But there you go.
So, do you want to have a guess at what that clip was?
Does your mum Pauline know, Jake?
Ask your mum.
Say, mum, what is it?
She does know.
She does know.
I don't know that, darling.
Ask me.
No, she actually doesn't.
Oh, she doesn't.
Okay.
Well, listen, I tell you what, that's a very good, uh, you know, attempt, and we're gonna give you a game anyway.
Do you want- Jake, do you want Guess Who?, the Flippin' Fine Face Game, Monopoly, the Boring Game, or Cebuteo, Dream Team Stadium?
Uh, Dream Team.
Hey, the Dream Team Stadium.
Do you like football, Jake?
Yep.
Well, there you go.
You're made up with Sabutio.
Listen, have a fantastic Christmas.
Consider that your first Christmas present from myself and Joe.
Thank you very much indeed for calling in.
Have a great weekend.
This is tough, isn't it?
No one's getting it.
Well, it is difficult if you're quite young.
And we've got Beth now, who I think is five and three quarters.
Hello, Beth.
Hello.
How are you?
Fine.
Are you really five and three quarters?
Yeah.
You sound very clever and articulate.
Yeah, you're the most articulate person we've had on for a while, not just today.
Um, but listen, Beth, do you watch a lot of films?
Yeah.
What's your favourite?
Finding Nemo.
Finding Nemo?
Finding Nemo, it's a peach, isn't it?
It's a great film.
What's the best bit in Finding Nemo?
When they find Nemo, of course.
Obviously.
Do you like the bit with the shark?
Yeah.
That's good, isn't it?
That's quite scary as well.
So Beth, do you think you know what that clip we were playing was?
Yeah.
And do you think you've seen the film?
No.
Okay.
Do you think you can tell us what it is without hearing the clip again?
Yeah.
Go on then, tell us what you think it is.
E.T.
E.T.
E.T.
Of course it is.
It is E.T.
Because he's saying, uh, téléphone maison.
Téléphone maison.
Which is French for phone home.
That's what French aliens say when they're far away.
Hey, well done, Beth.
Congratulations.
That's amazing.
Are you still there, or have you passed out with joy?
Yeah.
Well done.
Are you happy about that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You should see E.T.
It's fantastic.
Oh, it's brilliant.
Ask your parents for that for Christmas.
That's a lovely film.
Although, it's always a bit weird.
It slightly bums out the day because your parents will start crying at the end of it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, uh... It'll make you laugh.
It'll make you cry.
It'll make you ask God, why?
Yeah.
Is that what was on the poster?
That's what I suggested, but they never used it.
It's a very intense watching experience, but it's well worth it.
Anyway, Beth, I hope you have a lovely Christmas.
Let's give her a game.
So you're left with... can we give her both of those games?
Because she's the winner, we should distinguish her from the loser somehow.
We're gonna send you Monopoly and Guess Who?
and the Adam and Jo DVD, which is fifteen, so you'll have to wait nine and a quarter years to watch it.
And then you'll be probably quite disappointed.
By then it'll mean nothing.
It'll have decomposed by then.
So just put it in the garden as mulch.
Yeah.
Beth, happy Christmas.
Thank you very much for calling in.
Thank you for calling, Beth.
Thank you, Beth's mum, Sarah.
Uh, thanks to everybody who called.
Wasn't that cockle-warming?
Yeah, that was cockle-warming, but it took a long time, so let's play some music.
We'll be back sh-sh-shortly after this.
What is this?
What is this?
Music!
It's music, but it's by... Of course!
Rock band!
The Kooks!
There you go.
Well, that's one of the albums of the year, certainly.
Guerrilla's Demon Days, and that was Dirty Harry, of course, from that album.
Yeah, and if you've just tuned in, I'd like to remind you that Adam has to leave early because he is Santa.
He killed Santa and, you know, according to the Santa Clause, he now has to become Santa.
So I've got to do Ditties in the Dock on my own.
The theme is epic records.
Adam's already got one up his sleeve.
He's pre-recorded a pitch for it, but I need your help to choose what should play against him.
So we're looking for an epic track, and we've already had the most popular votes.
Led Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven, Radiohead, Karma Police, Don McLean, American Pie, Bruce Springsteen with Born to Run, The Stone Roses, Love Spreads, Doves with The Cedar Room, Green Day with Jesus of Suburbia,
Uh, what's that?
I can't read that one.
Uh, Nick called in, suggested The Stone Roses with I Am The Resurrection.
That's a good one.
Les called in, uh, suggested Guns N' Roses with November Rain.
Wow, do you even know that track?
Yes!
I don't know it.
Uh, so lots to choose from there.
Keep those suggestions coming in on 83XFM and the one I choose, uh, I'll send a prize to the person who voted for it.
So, Joe Cornish, have you seen the new Strokes video for Juicebox?
No.
It's rubbish.
Is it?
It's rubbish.
How can you say that?
I was as shocked and surprised as anyone.
What happens in it?
Well, it starts off- I think it's got David Cross.
You know the guy from Mr. Show?
Yeah, he's- yeah, an Arrested Development.
Um, he's got like- yeah, he's the sort of baldy guy, right?
Yeah.
With glasses.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's a very funny man.
Yeah.
Anyway, someone has, er, basically David Cross turns up at the beginning of this thing and he's playing a cheesy DJ in like a little local radio station where the Strokes are doing a session.
Right.
And the Strokes are all looking really grumpy and annoyed to be in this little nowhere radio station having to do promo for their album.
You know, cause bands hate doing that kind of thing.
Yeah.
Uh, and David Cross is playing this DJ who clearly knows nothing about the strokes and he's patronizing them in an annoying way.
And the strokes are sort of rolling their eyes and going, ugh.
This is all before the song starts?
Yeah.
It's a little pre-drama.
Comedy preamble.
I'll play you the little, uh... The story video?
Snatch of the beginning if you want.
Okay.
101, the one that rocks!
All right, we are back on WWIZZ with me, Woody, all night long until the morning in which I become Morning Wood.
Hello!
Fat Reggie and the Dumb Bitch are out at the Kids Who Care concert covering that.
And we are here live in the studio with special guest, Stroke.
You guys are huge, huge in Europe, right?
And are you hoping that some of that success translates back here in the States?
Well, I guess.
Hey, come on, don't be shy.
Look out, because I think you guys are going to be hot.
All right, without further ado, let's hear their latest single, part of the New York sound that is exploding all over New York and the tri-state area.
Please welcome Stroke with Juicy Juice.
You see, he got their name wrong, and he got the name of the track wrong.
They're called the Strokes, not Stroke.
Wow.
And it's called Juice Box, not Juicy Juice.
It's all about how awful it is to be a band and deal with ignorant DJs and that kind of thing.
What happens in the video when they actually start playing the song?
So when they start playing the song, the whole comedy element is just mysteriously left behind and it becomes a montage of baffling shots of people who are listening to this broadcast going out live, dotted around New York.
There is a couple of lesbians having a lesbian scene on a roof where they're filming a scene for a porno film.
and uh, so excuse to see some attractive women snogging in quite a explicit way.
Hey, we've just had a competition for kids.
I know, but they will have gone to bed now.
Um, and then you see a couple of young attractive homosexual men in a toilet cubicle and it's all very rock and roll and then someone staggers out of a cab and throws up on the sidewalk and then there's an old woman
with a dog and she's scrubbing the floor for some inexplicable reason.
It's just a montage of the worst, most lazy, rubbish rock and roll clichés, all bookended with this useless, unfunny DJ thing in a radio station.
And it made me think, like, um...
What were they thinking, A, and B, uh, it's just a-a cliche that shouldn't really be done anymore, should it?
That-that sort of, um, cheesy DJ or the-the-the comedy preamble thing, uh, before the song.
I was just wondering if anyone had-had any more, uh, pop video cliches they'd like to send in, things that they would like to see stopped.
Is this our texter?
Yeah.
Okay, our text competition.
Have we got a prize?
I'll find out what the prize is.
You, you, you do the comp.
We've got more copies of the Adam and Jo show to give away.
And, uh, we have, uh, Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence, of course.
Yeah.
But anyway, so, some examples of things that I would be happy not to see again in a pop video.
The, um, neon spaceship.
I haven't been in many neon spaceships for a while, but you know, like the Michael Jackson, the Janet Jackson one, and, uh... you know, the big neon luxury spaceship.
What?
So, yeah, funky rock sh- spaceship.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What does they- the Darkness do that, don't they?
Yeah, they do it ironically, I suppose.
Yeah.
but I wouldn't mind not seeing any more luxury spaceships.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
that kind of thing.
Uh, Backwoods videos.
I don't think we need any more Backwoods videos.
How many have there been?
Well, there's two that I can think of off the top of my head.
Farside and- Yeah, with Drop.
And, uh, The Scientist, uh, by Coldplay.
Right.
Both very good videos, you know.
Yeah.
But, um, we- we don't need any more, I don't think.
Um, Band in the Studio, recording their track.
You know, example- I mean, that's a really old thing.
I don't think anyone would do that now, except ironically.
Shots of the lead singer kinda holding his cans and closing his eyes while he sings his heart out.
Uh, and then ordinary people singing along.
You know, just members of the public.
Old people or people- Ricky and Steve laugh Steve lip syncing to the record.
Yeah, people who shouldn't be- you know, they're obviously not in a band.
So, wow, what's that old granny doing singing along to this indie rock track?
It's- it's blowing my mind.
That's a selection of the ones that I thought off- off the top of my head.
So 8-3-X-F-M, if you can think of any other bigger pop video clichés, things that should be banned in pop videos, and we'll give a prize to the best.
8-3-X-F-M.
Right.
Phil, Joe, Phil.
Uh, hi.
Uh, my name's Joe.
Uh... Come on.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay, you don't have to fill anymore.
That's brilliant, man.
Thanks.
We should do, like, a sheet of... write some fills down, you know?
Yeah, we should, we should, we should.
Pin them up to the wall, and then when we need to fill, we can just read off the sheet.
Anyway, we'll be back very shortly.
Here's some adverts.
XFL.
Love music.
Love music.
Love music.
Thanks, FM.
Yes, that's the Arctic Monkeys with I bet you look good on the dance floor.
We've been asking you for your pop video cliches, things in videos that should be banned, and they've come flooding in thick and fast.
You ready for some of these?
Oh my God.
Hang on, listeners, Adam Buxton has just walked into the studio wearing a shirt and tie.
Sorry, man, I was in the lavvy.
I was getting changed for my, my costume.
Wow, that's amazing.
You look like Noel Edmonds on Deal or No Deal.
You do as well.
Yeah.
Wow.
Um, okay, so yeah, things that should be banned in pop videos.
Thanks everybody who's, uh, texted in.
Are you ready for these, Adam?
Yeah, hit me.
So, here's a good one from Lee and Camden.
Bans being studied by scientists.
Yeah.
Very good one.
Anything involving scientists, really.
But there's that brilliant, uh, Basement Jack's monkey video, I like that one.
That's true, yeah, yeah.
But you're right, it is becoming a bit of a cliché.
Correct, Lee.
Uh, anything set in a desert, says Pete, ban all deserts.
Correct.
Indoor rain or exploding lightbulbs, says Barry.
I'd say water dripping off a lightbulb.
Absolutely.
Yeah, key cliché.
Lightbulbs swinging slowly and then exploding.
Good one, Barry.
Here's one from Paul.
Uh, a band who meet at an industrial park or a multi-storey car park and dance for no reason.
Yeah, or anything set in a derelict warehouse, for that matter.
Derelict warehouses, yeah.
Uh, pillow fights, says Will.
Yeah.
You don't get a lot of pillow fights in indie videos, do you?
No, not too many.
Anything with young girls.
Teenage girls love having pillow fights.
I don't like anything like that.
Do you remember that Travis video for, um, Sing, I think, where they're having a food fight?
Yeah.
That made me very uncomfortable.
Well, that's different, isn't it?
Sort of food mess.
Yeah.
It's a different bugbear.
How about this, an impromptu gig on top of a liquor store or a gun shop in America.
I mean, that's always, uh, homaging the Beatles video, right, or the Beatles event.
Uh, lead singers walking in slow motion towards the camera.
Uh, yellow from Coldplay and wires by Athlete, both guilty of that.
That's Adam in Watford.
Correct, I agree.
Uh, anything smashing in slow motion.
Yeah.
Is it anything?
Well, where would the pop video be without slow motion?
I mean, boy.
Or shorter.
Exactly.
Uh, any direct movie parodies?
Italian Job or Top Gun?
These, these have come in without names.
Someone else says, just ban Keith Allen.
Keith Allen himself is, is, is, is a cliche in pop videos.
Celebrity, in America, they feel the same way about, um, uh, Ben Stiller, I think.
Really?
Yeah, he pops up.
Always turning up in pop videos.
Well, they're, you know, similar level.
Um, action going underwater in a video or into a club toilet and the music changing.
What is that?
I've not seen that very often.
That does happen.
If the lead singer falls into water or something and then everything, the music goes all watery.
Or if they go into, if the action goes into another room, the, uh, the music is backgrounded for a moment.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Yeah, I think that's a good one.
Yeah.
And teen house parties is the other one where the band are playing in the bedroom and there's a party going on around the house and everything's getting smashed up.
Well, I'm afraid you haven't seen the last of that genre.
That's gotta be a... Yeah, that's never gonna go.
That's a hardy perennial.
But they're very good.
We'll decide who's getting the prize.
Are you happy with those, Adam?
Yes, absolutely.
We'll see if anyone else texts in during this next song, but if not, we'll award a prize to one of those.
But first of all, here's Belle and Sebastian.
This is a new track from them.
This is coming out in January, and it's called Funny Little Frog.
you all about it some day.
This is coming from Dan in Watford.
The ultimate has to be a band riding in a car with an awful backdrop.
Stereophonics, Dakotas, Green Day, Holiday.
Ban it all, I tell you, it's lazy, says Dan in Watford, getting quite angry there.
Wow.
There's others that have come in anonymously.
The band in cartoon form.
That's a good one.
Yeah, because bands just get tired of doing videos, so an easy way out is just to go,
cartoon.
Just animate us.
Gorillaz have obviously made a whole career out of that, but they have chosen one of the world's best animators to do it.
Yes, they've taken it to its brilliant logical extreme.
Yeah.
Here's another one.
Stars lip syncing.
Band can't be bothered to film, they've got celebrity friends, they say, come along and lip sync to our song.
Who's done that?
Elton John's done that, hasn't he?
I'm sure Blobby Williams has done that.
Okay, and here's a really good one that's coming from two, uh, listeners, but one of them's anonymous, the other is called Raj.
Pop stars being chased- are pop stars pretending to be spies being chased by men in suits carrying some sort of briefcase?
That happens a lot in dance music videos.
Yeah.
And they spoof that in, uh, that film, it's all gone Pete Tong.
Do they?
Yeah.
Never met anyone who's seen that before.
It's a good film.
It's got its moments.
It's a weird film, but it's got its moments.
There you go.
So those are pretty good.
Are we gonna decide who gets the prize?
I like- let's give it to the angriest one.
Let's give it to Dan.
To Dan in- where's he gone?
Where's he gone?
Where's he gone?
Dan in Watford.
I like people who- For the band Riding In Cars with an awful backdrop.
Yeah, yeah.
Because, you know, I appreciate anyone who gets upset about things that really don't matter.
Yeah.
Um, so thanks a lot for everybody, uh, to everybody who got in touch with us there.
Speaking of getting angry... Yeah.
I saw Harry Potter and what's it called?
The Bucket of Turds.
Last night.
The Goblet of Genius.
The Goblet of Genius.
And, uh... That was terrible.
Oh, come on.
It was terrible.
I'm sorry, Harry Potter was terrible.
I like that one better than Narnia.
You like Narnia, you lunatic.
I'd take Narnia over Harry Potter any day.
I'd fight you.
But listen, my point... We have a fight, a Harry Potter versus... Well, let's do that.
after Christmas, cos listeners could take sides.
Yeah.
I've always wanted there to be, like, a proper actual physical pop culture punch-up over something really stupid.
You'll stand up for Potter.
I'll fight you for Potter.
Over Narnia, definitely.
But all the Christians will be on my side.
I'll be the Jesus Army.
You and your Satan-worshipping pagans.
You will- oh man, we'll- we'll- Jesus, you're out of the box.
I'm not a Christian.
I've got the power of market forces on my side.
I'm not a Christian, but I will harness their violent force.
No, no.
For this fight.
Well, you've got Ray Winston in your corner.
All I've got is, uh, Ralph Fiennes.
Exactly.
And Dawn French.
And Fre- you've got French, yeah.
So listen, but my point was, in- in Harry Potter and the Bucket of Turds, uh, it's supposed to be all dark and dramatic, and it's rubbish, and they get- and Ron gets- It's brilliant.
It's brilliant.
He falls out with Ron, right?
Yeah.
and Harry Potter's gotta be, he's sort of trying to be as rude as he can and almost swear at Ron Weasley and at the height of his fury he says to Ron Weasley, Ron you, you foul git!
Yeah.
And I thought, well, that's interesting, isn't it?
Is that- what's the rudest you can be without actually saying a swear word or a made up one?
Well, Ron says pee off, doesn't he?
Does he?
Yeah, he does.
Oh, these teenagers.
How old are they supposed to be?
Uh, in magic years.
In real human years?
About sixteen, I think.
And they're saying you foul git.
Well, they're magic.
They live in a magic castle.
They don't.
They wear jeans and dance to rock music at that stupid ball.
It's the stupidest film I've ever seen.
It's Jarvis Cocker's playing at the stupid ball.
Well, he should be ashamed of himself.
I like that film.
Anyway, sorry, that could, you know, it was meant to be about one thing, it turned into a fight.
Did you like the, you like the children with the unfeasibly large mouths in Narnia?
I don't, I don't measure my quality of a movie by the width of a child's mouth.
What about if they, if they can't speak?
I like those kids.
Look, we've come out of the cupboard into a wintry wonderland.
That's what CS Lewis is all about.
Terrible.
Alright.
Come on, let's fight.
We'll play some music and then Joe and I'll have a little punch up and then we'll be right back.
This is a free play.
That'll sort things out.
A bit of violence.
Typical for a Harry Potter fan.
Okay, here's Peter Noone with his version of David Bowie's Oh You Pretty Things.
The end of that record.
What was that, Ad?
That's the Kings of Leon with the bucket.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
I've, uh, gotta go very shortly, unfortunately, Joe.
You've gotta go.
Before you go, listen, we were having an argument about Harry Potter and Narnia before.
Mm.
Uh, where's that?
Oh, yes.
Uh, someone else called Joe says if the Harry Potter actors want an idea of real insults, they should come down to Romford on a Friday.
Oh, that's a nice invitation.
But listen, I thought I'd teach you how to do a Harry Potter impression.
Okay, go on.
I might have done this before, but I've improved it.
So, if you're out there listening and you want to do an amazing Harry Potter impression, then just follow along to these instructions, okay?
I'm gonna teach Adam here.
So, just relax your face.
Okay.
And make yourself look as surprised as possible.
Yeah, just with your eyes.
Surprised eyes.
Okay.
And keep the rest of your face completely blank.
Yeah.
Surprised eyes.
Now, pull the muscles down in your lower lip to reveal your lower teeth.
Okay, just like this.
Look, look.
Yeah, just pull the muscles down.
There you go.
Lila's got it.
So you're not moving any part of your face apart from the muscles in your lower lip to reveal your lower teeth.
Now stick your lower teeth slightly forward.
Yeah.
There we are.
It's working already.
And now move your lower jaw around in a very small circle.
There you go.
Now say, Dumbledore.
Dumbledore.
There we are.
It works.
That is flawless.
I-I really- did you not enjoy any of the set pieces?
Man, you know, I love- I think the production design's amazing and the direction's amazing, but the scripts in Harry Potter.
It's just impossible to make those books- are they even had like- how long was that last one?
Three hours?
It wasn't- it wasn't as long as Narnia, was it?
It seemed amazingly long.
I couldn't even make it through to the battle in Narnia.
Mmm.
As soon as the lion, boring Liam Neeson lion turned up, I had to leave.
Well, personally, I'd take Narnia over Potter any day.
Well, man, you're welcome to it.
Yeah.
You can spend Christmas in Narnia, I'm gonna go and have fun with the kids in the Magic Castle and listen to Jarvis Cocker.
Yes.
Um, alright man, well listen, I've gotta say goodbye now.
But, uh, I'll be preserved in the rest of this half hour in, um, uh... Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh Ricky and Steve laugh
Hello, there we go, that was R.E.M.
with Near Wild Heaven.
This is Adam and Jo on XFM, but it's just Jo now because Adam's gone to a christening and left me in the lurch, but you know, I like it.
I can get closer to Lila, my sexy assistant.
And there's actually another Adam here, right Adam?
He won't speak.
He's too embarrassed.
He's our sort of technical, uh, assistant.
So it is, in a way, still the Adam and Jo show.
Now, I've gotta decide what record I'm gonna choose for Ditties in the Dark.
Um, Adam has recorded a virtual pitch.
Right, Lila?
Yes, he has.
He's been in the studio before the show.
I haven't heard it.
He's chosen an epic rock song, cos that's the category, and I've now gotta choose something to, uh, that'll beat him.
So I think my choice, listeners, is gonna be The Smiths with How Soon Is Now.
I've no idea what Adam's gonna choose, but I think that will get you guys calling and voting.
And if you need any more incentive, the prize this week is a copy of the album.
That's right, it doesn't even have a title, it's just called The Album.
It's a fantastic compilation of XFM-style songs.
Everyone who gets through gets on the air wins one of those.
So, any second now, we're gonna do Ditties in the Dock, and we're gonna discover exactly what Adam's chosen to go against the Smiths.
Until then, ooh.
There we go.
Okay, it's time for Ditties in the Dock, the exciting, climactic battle between myself and Joe for who gets to play the final song of our two hours here at XFM on a Saturday afternoon.
This week, the category is epics.
Epic songs that really are slightly too long to play on a snappy, exciting, youth-based pop show like this one.
But today, we're gonna get a chance to hear an amazing slice of rock history from some legendary artists.
I am urging you to vote for...
light my fire by the doors now i think the doors are fairly unfashionable commodity these days but i've always loved them and i always remember the first time i ever heard this on a saturday afternoon driving around town with my mum and suddenly it came on radio one i think it was janice long show i can't remember but it was a very long time ago and i thought wow this is going on forever but i'm kind of digging it it's freaking my brain and that's exactly the effect that you will have if uh you vote for this song and it gets played here on xfm
It's it's an absolute peach features an amazing almost never-ending organ solo from Rayman Sarek And I can't say enough good things about it.
You know you love it.
You haven't heard it for Much too long a time vote for like my fire by the doors Joe.
What are you choosing?
Oh, thanks, Adam.
Wow, it's almost as if he's here.
I'm gonna choose How Soon Is Now.
I've already said it, you idiot.
Adam, you idiot.
I've already announced it.
Not listening.
I'm gonna choose The Smiths with How Soon Is Now.
I don't know what to say about it, except that it's one of the greatest modern rock records ever recorded.
Right, Lila?
Is that hyperbolic?
No, I definitely think it's great.
It's just got a fantastic, unique sound.
It sounds unlike any other record.
And you know, unlike any other epic records, it really doesn't diminish as you play it.
You don't really get bored of it, because the sound is so very unique.
So, call 0871 222 1049.
That's 0871 222 1049.
Vote for either The Doors or The Smiths.
It's How Soon Is Now versus... I've forgotten what Adams is.
Light My Fire.
The oldest, whoriest, cliche in rock.
Or, you know, a song that doesn't get played that much.
The Smiths versus The Doors.
0871-222-1049.
Call now!
Yes, that was Goldfrapp with number one, and it's time to play Ditties in the Dock.
This is the part of the show where you, the listeners, get to vote which song we'll play our two hours out with.
Adam's left for a christening, but earlier, you will have heard him pitch his track in a virtual styling, and his choice was The Doors.
We know it by far.
Boring!
Long song.
My choice was The Smiths with How Soon Is Now.
An excellent song.
Of course, Adam's not here, so he can't rebuff me.
We've got five callers on the line.
Everyone who gets on the air wins a copy of the album.
Let's waste no time and go to Clare.
Hello, Clare.
Hello, Clare.
How are you doing?
I'm good, thank you.
How are you doing?
I'm doing okay.
You know, Adam's gone to a christening.
And you're in charge.
I'm in charge.
But you know what, Clare, to be perfectly honest, I can't operate this radio station.
I don't understand how to do it.
It is buttons, but I sit here reading the texts and the mails and stuff, and reading Heat magazine, and Adam presses all the buttons, so now Lila, the producer, has taken over.
Okay.
And she's getting so excited about the whole thing, she's making me slightly nervous.
So Claire, will you just tell her to calm down?
Breathe, be calm, it's all good.
Yeah, because you know, I think a woman, she's more likely to listen to another woman.
No, she's not.
Okay, so Claire, listen, what did you think of Adam's pitch there for the doors?
Hello?
Hello, Clare?
Clare?
We've lost Clare.
Oh, my God!
OK, let's go to line two.
Let's go to line two, Faye.
Hello.
Hello, Faye.
You're not going to suddenly vanish, are you?
I'm not.
OK.
So, well, let's get the important stuff out of the way first in case you do vanish.
Who are you voting for?
Is it going to be the Smiths or the Doors?
The Smiths.
Well done.
Do you object to the Doors?
A lot, actually.
I really object to the Doors.
Do you think it reflects badly on Adam that he selected the Doors?
Um, yeah.
So yes, yes, good.
Well done.
So that's, that's one nil to me.
Thank you, Faye.
And you win a copy of the album, which is packed full of, uh, the kind of music you might hear here on XFM.
Very good compilation record.
Thanks for calling.
Thanks for listening.
That's one to me, but we've got a sort of anonymous vote.
Are we going to get Claire back?
Uh, let's see how it goes, and I'll tell you what she was gonna vote.
She's so authoritative, is Lila.
Okay, let's go to James.
Hello, James.
Hello there.
How you doing?
I'm fine, thanks.
I'm slightly scared by my lady producer, Lila.
James?
Yeah?
She's... I can't say the phrase that would describe it.
You're just being so assertive, Lila.
That's my job!
It's terrifying.
It's my job.
Ah, James, mate.
What are you gonna be voting for?
Is it the Doors or the Smiths?
I'm gonna have to go again, Sophie.
It's gotta be the Doors, mate.
What?
Surely you've heard that song enough, though.
No, it's a great song.
It goes on forever.
OK, well, all right, James.
So that's one all.
Thanks for calling.
You get a copy of the album as well.
Oh, thanks, mate.
This is gut-wrenching stuff.
Let's go to Jane.
Hello, Jane.
Hello.
How are you doing, Jane?
I'm OK, thank you very much.
Oh, you sound lovely.
Where are you from?
Where's that accent from?
South Wales.
There you go.
But where are you calling from?
Walthamstow.
What are you doing in Walthamstow?
I ask myself that every single day.
Did you see the documentary about Brian Harvey from East 17 during the week?
Because they were from Walthamstow.
I made sure I missed it.
Yeah.
You know what happened to him, don't you?
He had a terrible accident.
He did.
It's quite near where I live, actually.
The accident was near where you lived?
Yes.
Really?
You weren't involved in any way?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
But you obviously feel sorry for him?
Oh, oh, yes, yes, yes.
He came across pretty well, only very slightly bitter.
But, hey, who wouldn't be if that happened to you?
So, listen, Jane, what are you going to be voting for?
Is it going to be The Smiths or The Doors?
It was a really difficult choice, but I'm going for The Doors.
Wow, you sound like an X Factor judge.
Oh, I've never even watched The X Factor.
Really?
Oh, well done.
There should be a statue of you put on the moon.
There we go.
So there we go.
So it's... What was it again?
The Smiths?
Hello?
Hello.
No, I voted for the Doors.
What are you playing at?
That's me two down.
I know!
I'm sorry.
Jane, I'm retracting the statue.
It's coming down off the moon, but thanks for calling and you'll get a copy of the album again.
So what is that?
That's 2-1 to Buxton?
Yeah.
That's not going according to plan.
Sebastian?
Hello?
Sebastian, do you realise the predicament we're in?
I certainly do.
Because, you know, we're supposed to have five callers.
It's gonna be... Just tell us, who are you gonna vote for, Sebastian?
The Doors or the Smiths?
Well, if he'd have said the end, I may have gone for the doors, but that means it's got to be the Smiths.
Well done, sir.
It's the tune.
It is the tune.
It's an amazing record, um, the Smiths record, but you know, we're in a quandary now because it's too old, and, uh, you know, uh, we've got a first caller.
Maybe we can swing this, right?
You've got a brother called Felix, haven't you?
How do you know that?
Because I went to school with him.
Did you?
I went to school with you, but I'm obviously older than you.
What's your second name, Sebastian?
James, you wouldn't remember me when I was about three at the time.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow, I must have been a fetus in that case.
Pretty much.
Yeah, so there you go.
So how are you going to swing this?
So my brother's called Felix, and... So therefore, because I have the family connection, and, you know, it's obviously got to be the doors because... Sorry, excuse me, excuse me, no.
Oh, shocking.
You're absolutely right.
That's a very good logic, Sebastian.
And, you know, I would go with that logic, but I don't think Lila's going to let it slide.
Well, we do have one more caller, if you want to make it proper.
Oh, hey Sebastian, thanks for calling.
And, you know, let's go for a drink, catch up, or something.
I'll remember you to my brother.
But let's go for this final caller.
What's his or her name?
It's Jo.
It's Jo on line two.
Is it a lady Jo or a man Jo?
It's a man Jo.
It's a man Jo.
Hello, Jo.
Hello.
You've got an E on the end, so that would make you a man.
Yeah.
Do you get angry when people... Actually, I don't put an E, because it's Jonathan, really.
Really?
So people think you're a girl.
It confuses people, but they hate me.
OK, so Joe, you realise you have a very important role now to play.
I do, and I agree.
Absolutely, it's the best bastion.
If he'd gone to the end, then the other Joe would have fixed it, but it's got to be the Smith.
Way!
So I win.
Thank you very much, Joe.
And I wonder what happened to Claire there.
Maybe she was abducted by aliens, or I hope nothing horrible happened to her.
Claire, we hope you're all right.
Joe, thank you very much for coming in and saving the day.
That makes me the winner.
The doors are history.
The doors are closed.
What's that, Lila?
Should we just hear from Adam?
Adam Buxton?
Oh, he's got a recorded response, has he?
Hey, thanks, Joe, for calling.
Sorry we only spoke to you briefly.
Let's hear Adam's recorded rebuttal.
Oh, well.
Never mind.
I can understand that.
It is quite tedious.
Yeah, there we go.
Did he do one if he won and one if he lost?
Yes, he did.
Do you want to hear it?
Yeah, let's hear the one we would have played if he'd won.
Okay, hang on.
Yes, I'm the king.
Here are the doors with light my fire.
Brilliant, I'm glad we heard that.
Okay, well, thanks very much for listening, everybody.
Are we going to play the song and come back?
We'll do that.
So here it is.
Thanks for everybody who called in.
Cornish is, yet again, the winner.
And you know what?
Even if I hadn't been, I would have rigged it because Adam's not here to find me out.
Here is, uh, here are the Smiths with How Soon Is Now?
I am the sun, I am the air All the shiners, messers, criminals have been broken up I am the sun and air But nothing in particular They shut your mouth, how can you say?
I go about things the wrong way
Just like everybody else does I am the sun I am the air
I'm a shyness that is criminally vulgar I am the son of nothing in particular You should know, how can you say I thought I'd think the wrong way
Everybody on the floor
So you don't you
Man, that was less epic than I remember it being.
Doesn't epic mean it's supposed to be very long?
How long was that?
It was 3 minutes and 38 seconds.
Oh, well it's got an epic quality to it, right?
Just in the guitars.
There we go, thanks very much to everybody who called in and voted for that.
Yet again, Cornish wins.
Making it my fifth win in a row?
I think so.
If anyone was, you know, if I had the kind of personality where I actually cared about this kind of thing, then I'd be very pleased with myself.
Well, that's almost it for this week.
Thanks very much, everybody, for listening.
Uh, and I should tell you that Adam and I are gonna be here next weekend, which is, of course, Christmas Eve.
Lovely, cuddly, warm, and friendly Christmas Eve.
The day before Jesus' birthday, and we're gonna be doing a very special show from our little shack.
in the middle of Leicester Square.
If anyone was fortunate or unfortunate enough to hear the same show last year, we did the same thing.
We have a little wooden cabin in the middle of Leicester Square, and we light a fire, and we play great music, uh, and in particular, next week, we're gonna be buying each other presents.
So this week, I've gotta go out and buy Adam three stupid presents, wrap them up, and I'll be giving them to him live on air, and vice versa.
He'll be giving me presents.
We've got a maximum budget of £20.
Uh, so there should be some fun there.
Uh, and also, Christmas Ditties in the Dock, I can exclusively reveal, will be the strangest Christmas songs we can find.
And I found, I think, a pretty weird song.
The most odd, hilarious Christmas films, uh, films?
Songs, ever recorded.
That'll be Ditties in the Dock.
next year.
So that's almost it.
And the only one thing we didn't resolve this week, listeners, is whether Space Cadets is a good thing or a bad thing.
Whether it was inherently evil and made you feel creepy and dirty and soiled, or whether it was brilliant and we could all, with impunity, laugh at other people's expense.
And you know what the balance of the text is, Lila?
No.
It's that it was slightly creepy.
I think nobody came out of that show not feeling a little bit guilty and shameful.
It was kind of like mass televised torture, but strangely and cruelly enjoyable.
That's it.
We'll see you next week.
Have a great Christmas shopping week, and we'll be back for our Christmas show.
Bye!